ÆFLASH

Jim Mundane awoke from his daily slumber at 4:57:34.116 PM just as the sun was rising to the north on this warm December day. He poked his head out the moldy oversize banana peel that he had called home for the night to discover that the he was floating 31,415.926 feet above the ground. He wrenched himself free from the sticky gooey mess of the peel and struggled to the top of the banana to see who had done such a rude thing to his castle. Not much to his surprise he found the banana held by the neighborhood pack of flying raccoons. "YOU STUPID COONS!!!" he spat at the group at which they replied, "Chk! Chk! Grrrrrrrrrr, ack yap HSSSSS!!!" Enraged at such a derogatory comment to his mother, Jim picked up a pistol and box of bullets he found conveniently in a mass of mold and yelled "Take that!!" as he opened the box of bullets and started throwing them at the flying mongrels, who flinched an starting growling more loudly. Once his supply of bullets was depleted he took the pistol and started beating the paws of the raccoons until they released the decomposing flesh of the banana. As Jim fell with his re-conquered home he shot back at the pack "YEAH!! YOU KNOW WHO'S BOSS!!!" and shook his fist in an attempt to look menacing.

Flustered by such a rude awakening of the day Jim almost forgot that he was falling rapidly towards somewhat certain doom. He reached into his pocket and to his relief he found a candle, a spoon, and a thimble-full of corn oil. Jim quickly fashioned a jetpack from this conglomeration of objects and soon was hovering peacefully among the clouds. Saddened at the separation from his pristine living accommodations he realized that he had never slept in a better place. The disappointment of his loss was then met by the joy of getting his buttocks singed by his jetpack. With this invigorating blast he realized that his fuel would run out in precisely 5038.23957 kiloseconds unless he either landed or fashioned some more fuel using the candle, spoon, and thimble-full of corn oil, or using a device made from the candle, spoon, and thimble-full of corn oil.

Shockingly, Jim decided to land. Unfortunately, Jim's jetpack went out of control and he crashed into a pool full of gelatin at 341.435 picoliters per kilowatt-hour. Once Jim ate himself out of the pool and separated himself form his malfunctioning jetpack he found that the pool was not actually a pool of gelatin, but rather the cornea of a large disc shaped creature that measured 17.6 rods by 762,348,957.54 picas. More unbelievable than the sheer size of this creature was its infestation of walking-snakes. These were no ordinary walking-snakes, they were the kind that shoots acid spores that cause people to be more vulnerable to damage and lower their rate of fire. Not only that, they also make a high pitched grunting sound that causes people (and also some of the nearby snakes) to explode due to the high frequency. Normally you